How to Strengthen a Relationship With Your Adult Child 

Establishing and nurturing a loving relationship with adult children can be immensely rewarding. Still, it requires effort, respect, and something equally important from a parent: acceptance of the child’s autonomy.

“The dynamics between a parent and a younger child and a parent and an adult child are very different,” says Daniel E. Jimenez, Ph.D., a psychologist with the University of Miami Health System.

“When they’re young, the child depends on the parent for food, shelter and emotional nourishment. The parents are in charge. As they grow, children become more independent and need less direction. The relationship changes.”

It doesn’t mean that the parent doesn’t have plenty to offer.

“It’s more about interdependence,” he adds. “Adult children may be looking for wisdom or support, a relationship that is on a more equal footing.”

However, the evolution of the parent-child bond is not always easy to navigate. It’s not uncommon for a parent to continue treating an adult child as if he were still younger. Rather than seeing the son or daughter as a peer — a grownup with a separate life and interests — some parents “continue seeing a little kid who they expect to follow the hierarchy that was established in the past.”

On the other hand, the child may have other priorities and commitments, either to a family they’ve just established, a career they’re trying to launch, or both.

The difference in expectations creates a push-pull effect. It becomes a huge disconnect.

– Dr. Daniel Jimenez

And it can happen in the most loving and tight-knit families, too. For instance, one common complaint that crops up in family therapy is communication. Parents may expect the grown child to call daily. Unaware of his parents’ desires, the adult child calls once a week, a frequency that fits in with his busy life better.

Older parents, Dr. Jimenez says, also complain about how often they get to see the grandchildren. It may be difficult for them to understand that grandchildren and their parents have schedules packed with work, school and extracurricular activities.

Nagging and whining tend to worsen the situation as the adult child becomes more guarded and pulls away. In some situations, a parents’ seemingly overbearing and unrealistic behavior may appear as the proverbial last straw, particularly for an adult child who has had a strained relationship with the parent while growing up.

Family estrangement is a lot more common than most people realize.

Recent research shows that as many as 27% percent of the population has cut off ties with at least one close family member, usually a parent and most often the father. A gerontologist who conducted a national survey for his 2020 book “Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them” found that the rift usually upset and demoralized parents and adult children in such strained situations.

Of course, unrealistic expectations aren’t the sole cause for estrangement – not even the top reason. Causes for the rift included parental divorce, the sense that parents favored a sibling, early experiences with harsh parenting, tensions with in-laws, political differences and disputes over money and inheritances.

Family estrangement, painful as it is for all involved, might be the last step in a strained relationship that has its roots in an unhealthy past. For most families, however, the normal friction between parent and adult child can usually be remedied by behaviors that acknowledge that roles have changed.

Here are Dr. Jimenez’s suggestions for parents to form stronger, closer relationships with an adult child:

• Discuss your expectations. Tell your adult child how much it means to hear from him or her, but be prepared for compromise about the frequency and length of phone calls or another form of communication. Remember that your child has other responsibilities.
• Be willing to meet them where they’re at. Adapt to their lifestyle and preferences. Ask the adult child about his communication preferences. Text instead of call, if that seems more convenient. Arrange for an early breakfast or accompany them on errands.
• Take the initiative instead of complaining. “If your child isn’t calling you, pick up the phone and call him,” Dr. Jimenez says. “Most of the time, the child will call back.”
• Respect your child’s boundaries. Accept that she has her own life, with its responsibilities and commitments separate from the parent-child relationship. Allow the adult child to make her own decisions without interference or guilt.
• Resist giving unsolicited advice. “Unless they’re asking for it, whatever you say can come off as criticism,” Dr. Jimenez says. “Or it can send a message that you don’t trust them to make the right decision.”
• Offer a willing and attentive ear — but no comment. Sometimes the adult child simply needs to vent with someone safe. If you’re in doubt about what to do with the information shared, ask directly if you are meant to give your opinion or if they simply want to get it off their chest.
• Apologize for your words or behavior if events from the past create a stumbling block to the relationship.
• Seek professional help when you can’t go at it alone. Dr. Jimenez says a trained “moderator can get the ball rolling in a very safe, very controlled environment.”

Of course, the parent-child relationship is a two-way street, and Dr. Jimenez tells adult children that getting caught up in their own lives is not an excuse to not communicate. They, too, need to understand what the older adults are going through and empathize with them.

“The parents just want to have a relationship with their children,” he added. “They are going through transitions themselves: retirement, peers and friends are dying or moving to be closer to their own children, health concerns necessitating more and more doctor’s visits. So, there is a loss of identity from retirement, loss of social support network, and anxiety around their health/mortality.”

Ana Veciana-Suarez is a regular contributor to the University of Miami Health System. She is an acclaimed author and journalist who has worked at The Miami Herald, The Miami News, and The Palm Beach Post.

Tags: Dr. Daniel E. Jimenez, healthy relationships, parenting skills, positive parent child relationship, secure attachment