Recharging Your Social Battery This Holiday Season

It’s not just clocks that need to be reset or electric vehicles that need to be charged. Sometimes our personal batteries get drained, too. Too many social commitments. Too many holiday gatherings. Too many family responsibilities.

Whatever the reason, it’s natural to feel drained when you’re zooming through back-to-back networking events or hopping from one party to the next. Even fun can be tiring.

“All these social events take up a lot of energy,” says Radu Saveanu, M.D., a psychiatrist with the University of Miami Health System. “And in the end, the [cumulative] social stimulation is what leaves people exhausted.”

The energy expended isn’t merely physical, either.

For most of us, it’s the stress that comes from being engaged with and available to other people. It’s also having unrealistic expectations that can be impossible to achieve, regardless of our efforts.

“The conscious or unconscious expectation that ‘I want to make this year’s celebration special’ or ‘I want to celebrate Christmas in such-and-such a way,’ can be a recipe for disaster,” says Dr. Saveanu, who is also the Executive Vice-Chair for Clinical Services and Education in UHealth’s Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences. “These expectations come from our past, from what we believe is the ideal way to do something, but the present circumstances are the immediate trigger.”

In other words, the disconnect between reality and our fairy tale version of our social life can lead not only to disappointment but also to a yearning for isolation.

As our picture-perfect fantasies don’t align with our lived expectations, the joy of togetherness may become overwhelming.

Initial excitement may slip into outright fatigue.

This is particularly true in settings where the dynamics of a relationship — interacting with your boss at the annual office party or with the inappropriate aunt at the family reunion — require us to perform a certain role. Yet, emotional exhaustion isn’t always a result of a big event. It’s usually a result of smaller disconnects that, piled together, leave us feeling out of sorts and deprived of energy and motivation.

Studies on social fatigue bear that out.

One, for example, found that overstimulation — including too much social input — can overwhelm the nervous system, eventually leading to stress and a need, albeit temporary, to spend time alone.

Another one, looking into work meetings and conducted by Microsoft Human Factors Lab, concluded that our brain, like our body, needs breaks. Even consecutive virtual meetings caused spikes in stress-related brain activity, with beta waves — brain waves associated with stress—increasing over time. In other words, stress has a tendency to accumulate. (Researchers used electroencephalogram (EEG) scans to record the electrical activity of the brain.)

For introverts, social demands can be especially challenging.

They seem to expend a lot more energy in navigating socially demanding environments.

“Personality does play a role,” says Dr. Saveanu. “There are people who need more alone time, and there are people who thrive on always wanting to give to others.”

But even the latter group can end up feeling depleted with too much social stimulation, he adds. It may just take them a little longer to get there.

Whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, you can take steps to ensure you’re not running on empty at a time when you could actually be enjoying your friends and family.

Here are Dr. Saveanu’s suggestions:

Know yourself.

Some people consider five parties on a weekend as their jam — until they don’t. Others dread the mere thought of so many obligations. Either way, recognize the signs of social overload before you have a meltdown.

What are the most common symptoms?

• irritability
• depression
• anxiety
• fatigue
• difficulty sleeping
• low energy

That said, everyone experiences social fatigue differently, so tune in to your personal reactions.

Rest mentally and physically before the onslaught of activities.

“So much depends on how much of your internal battery is already charged,” Dr. Saveanu says. “If you’re  starting at a low point, it’s not going to get better.”

Learn to say no.

Pick and choose what you truly need to do and what you want to do. Also, you don’t have to stay to the end of an event.  FOMO — the fear of missing out — can lead to uncomfortable or unhealthy circumstances. You should honestly assess what the consequences are of skipping a social obligation. Say you’re at a professional conference. “You don’t have to attend 12 hours and every social activity,” he says. “Ask yourself, what really happens if I don’t do this one thing?”

Hit pause and reset.

In other words, take a break. Sometimes all we need is a night off. Instead of clocking in at another professional get-together, stay home and do something more relaxing. For some, that may be reading a book. Or taking a long walk. Or listening to music. If you need to be alone, heed what your brain and body are telling you.  

Practice self-care.

That means getting enough sleep, eating healthy and exercising. “It’s like needing oxygen on a plane,” Dr. Saveanu says. “You have to put the mask on yourself first before helping others.”

Be flexible.

Things will go wrong, but true disasters are few. “So, the chicken took another hour to cook [at your dinner party],” he says. “In the long run, it’s not going to matter.” Who knows, it may provide fodder for a funny story at your next gathering.

Recognize that not everything is urgent or a priority.

Meet-ups with friends don’t have to all happen in the same week or even the same month.  Most things are optional or can be moved back to a slower time on your calendar.

Learn from previous experiences and don’t be too hard on yourself.

Telling yourself that you acted like an idiot isn’t going to help. What you should be doing is figuring out how and what you can do differently when faced with a similar situation in the future.” In short, don’t beat yourself up.

“We all tend to be more critical of ourselves than others are of us,” Dr. Saveanu says. “So, be gentle with yourself. Be aware that your fantasy [of a perfect social life] is something unconscious we keep inside, and it’s not true to real life.”

Written by Ana Veciana-Suárez, a regular contributor to the University of Miami Health System. She is an acclaimed author and journalist who has worked for The Miami Herald, The Miami News, and The Palm Beach Post.

Tags: Coping with holiday stress, Managing social expectations, Radu Saveanu, Self-care strategies, Tips for holiday gatherings