How to Be More Assertive

It might be one of the most difficult communication skills to master. Speaking up for yourself is a practice that serves in all social settings, and using it effectively has numerous advantages.

“Being assertive is when you’re clearly communicating your thoughts and feelings,” says Vanessa L. Padilla, M.D., a University of Miami Health System psychiatrist. “It’s about being honest with yourself and with others.”

It’s not, however, about being aggressive.

Aggressive behavior has no guardrails, and it’s intentionally damaging. It doesn’t value another person’s needs.

Being assertive involves compromise without taking advantage of a situation. Being assertive is “a matter of placing boundaries when communicating with the other,” Dr. Padilla adds.

Assertiveness can come in many forms.

Sometimes, it’s ensuring your opinions are heard and your requirements are met. Sometimes, it’s about negotiating a compromise, acknowledging others’ needs, but also ensuring yours. Other times, it’s a matter of saying no and sticking to your answer regardless of pressure because you know it’s best for your mental health.

Flexing your assertiveness muscle may come with a price.

You might be called pushy. Pugnacious. Brash.  Bossy. Labels like these often stop people from advocating for themselves because most of us don’t like conflict — and some avoid it at any price. But as Dr. Padilla says, “We don’t control how the other person will react.”

True, there are occasions when it’s best to keep quiet and go with the flow. You might not want to meet friends at a sushi restaurant, but if everyone prefers sushi and you’ve already spoken your piece, it’s best to be flexible. But doing this too often or following the crowd when, in reality, you feel very strongly against it is a recipe for resentment. Some people “go along” because of societal expectations or because they’re shy or embarrassed to speak up. But if you feel stressed, angry, resentful, or dragging your feet in silent protest after “going along,” understand that you’re doing yourself no favors. You’re also sending others (and yourself) the wrong message: My feelings and goals don’t count.

Passive-aggressive behavior is not healthy either.

This can be reflected by communicating indirectly, using sarcasm, or avoiding important conversations. Communicating in a passive-aggressive way may be indicative that we are acting out of anger. Dr. Padilla says that “intimidating others or creating extra conflict may not lead to effective solutions nor foster healthy interpersonal relationships.”

The degree of assertiveness changes with the situation and the person.

The work environment is the perfect example of this. Practicing the assertive muscle with a co-worker is much different than doing so with your boss. You’re on even footing with your co-worker but not so with your supervisor.  Don’t fight authority, but explain, with specifics, why you can’t take on extra work or stay later that day. Doing this will give you “a sense of control and empowerment,” Dr. Padilla says, and likely earn the respect of others.

Dr. Padilla has other suggestions to strengthen our positive self-confidence:

• Practice, practice, practice. Speaking up doesn’t come easy for everyone. But “the more you do it, the more self-confident you’ll get,” she explains.
• Pick a small or low-risk situation to practice.  She suggests picking a trusted friend or partner and saying, “Listen, this has been bothering me.” Ask the other person to help you assess your communication skills. Are you coming off too aggressively? Do you need to be more clear? Once you feel more confident in your tones and words, you’re ready for a more nuanced conversation.
• Take your time with a conversation. “It’s better to wait and be comfortable and sure about what you’re going to say,” Dr. Padilla says. You may have only one opportunity to have your voice heard.
• Use “I” statements. Be specific and keep your message simple. In short, “don’t say things like ‘you’re always doing’ or ‘why do you never,” she adds. Those sweeping accusatory statements tend to shut down any conversation.
• Learn that saying “no” is a good and acceptable answer. You don’t have to offer explanations or disclaimers. If a situation does warrant an explanation, make it short and specific.
• Watch your body language — and your temper. Look at the person. Don’t cross your arms or sit sideways as if you’re ready to escape. And while you may be frustrated or hurt by a situation, it’s important to stay calm.  Take a break if you feel that you cannot control your emotions or behaviors.
• Don’t confuse self-advocacy for inappropriate behavior. This is not about winning. “It’s not about being mean or loud,” Dr. Padilla adds. “It’s about standing up for yourself without violating the rights of the other person.”
• Be patient with yourself. Learning to be assertive won’t happen overnight, but the effort and the practice will be worth it. “Being assertive allows you to be true to yourself and communicate correctly, especially in difficult scenarios,” she says. “In the end, it gives you a sense of freedom.”

Ana Veciana-Suarez is a regular contributor to the University of Miami Health System. She is an acclaimed author and journalist who has worked at The Miami Herald, The Miami News, and The Palm Beach Post. Visit her website at anavecianasuarez.com or follow her on Twitter: @AnaVeciana.

Tags: behavioral health, Dr. Vanessa Padilla, Miller School of Medicine, self confidence, self worth, self-assured