How to Teach Your Children to Be More Resilient

Vince Lombardi famously said, “It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get up.” These words captured the legendary coach’s philosophy about the game of football. Yet, the idea behind his advice — the power of resiliency, the importance of persistence — transcends the playing field.

In life, far from the gridiron, no one is spared setbacks. Rejection is an all-too-common experience. But those who know how to dust off and recover tend to be more content and do better in life. That’s why building resilience in children — teaching them to get up after getting knocked down — is so essential to their well-being.

“It’s important for a child or a teenager to understand that everyone fails and makes mistakes,” says Jennifer R. Walton, M.D., M.P.H., a developmental-behavioral pediatrician at the University of Miami Health System. “It’s part of life. The key is to get up and move on.”

However, that capacity to recover and adapt is about more than simply surviving or enduring.

“It’s about learning from the experience,” Dr. Walton adds. “You want to take something so you can do it better or different next time.”

Situations that demand perseverance start early and last a lifetime. They can occur anywhere. 

As a baby, a child learns to walk only after falling down several times.

They learn to read and write only after mastering lessons they did not initially understand. And if the child is lucky, that try-try-try again will help them thrive in unfriendly conditions: when they faces rejection in the playground, bullying in middle school, and exclusion in high school.

In other words, being resilient “doesn’t happen just one time, and that’s that. It’s not a sprint but a marathon,” Dr. Walton says. What’s more, the art (and practice) of getting up after being knocked down doesn’t mean your child will not feel anxiety, sadness or emotional pain. 

It simply means they will be strong enough mentally to push forward despite obstacles.

Children’s mental health has become a source of concern for both experts and family members. A 2023 report from the American Psychological Association (APA) reveals that children’s mental health has been in crisis for over a decade, with persistent sadness, hopelessness, and suicidal thoughts increasing by about 40% in the years leading up to COVID-19. The pandemic worsened the crisis with social isolation and academic disruption.

These issues are not limited to the United States.

In fact, researchers in Norway were so concerned about a decline in the mental well-being of that country’s adolescents that they embarked on a study to test a program designed to improve teenagers’ beliefs in their own capabilities. They concluded that a short intervention that promoted self-confidence, normalized failure and encouraged a growth mindset was particularly helpful for teenage boys.

For a few children, navigating life’s challenges may seem like second nature.

They’re able to shake off defeat and forget the frustration. They try again. Others, though, may need guidance to learn how to do this. For most, it’s a little of both. Or as Dr. Walton explains, mastering the process of perseverance “is multifactorial, a mix of nature and nurture.”

The good news? There’s plenty parents can do to help:

• Praise your child for his/her efforts. For every no, there should be 10 atta boys or atta girls.
• Teach your child that innate talent isn’t the be-all and end-all. Native abilities can improve, but that demands time, practice and preparation. For example, making the high school baseball team requires skills that must be developed with training and drills and participation in games over several years at a lower level.
• Model the behavior you want your child to follow. Let them see you setting goals and working toward them. “Children definitely watch what you do,” she says.
• Allow them to choose their goals and then help them break them down into smaller, achievable steps. Again, making the school team is a good example of this.
• Normalize failure. “Mistakes or wrong choices help a child learn,” Dr. Walton adds. Taking the inevitable lumps and turning them into opportunity builds independence. Talk about your own experiences, sharing the lessons you learned and how you coped with difficult situations.
• Help them figure out what they did or didn’t do that led them to the mistake or awkward situation. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people. “There are failures that have nothing to do with you, but they just happen,” Dr. Walton says. “You’re allowed to be upset, but you still have to get up and move on.”
• Provide them with some perspective. Say your child gets dumped by a friend group. Acknowledge the emotional pain but gently point out the qualities she has (or can improve on) to help her make more friends. There will be other opportunities to meet people.
• Spend time with your child. Be present. Pay attention. Create a supportive environment where your child feels loved and accepted. If the child feels it’s not cool to confide in a parent — many kids go through such a phase — encourage them to seek another trusted adult, such as a teacher or relative.

Dr. Walton tells the children in her practice that parents are more than friends.

Family, in its many current forms, is usually the best place to find support and understanding.

“Parents may get upset with you, but not telling them about something that happened may be worse,” she says. “Parents [and caregivers] have your back. In these uncertain times, family is more important than ever.”

Written by Ana Veciana-Suárez, a regular contributor to the University of Miami Health System. She is an acclaimed author and journalist who has worked for The Miami Herald, The Miami News, and The Palm Beach Post.

Tags: ability to cope, ability to recover, difficult times, Dr. Jennifer Walton, sense of purpose